Shut In

My name’s Andrew. I’m 18 years old and I’m gay. Or at least, I wish it were only so easy.

It’s hard… not knowing what you want in your life. To know how you want your life to turn out… and to have one little, insignificant detail ruin your dreams for the future. I didn’t choose to be gay. I didn’t choose to be different than anyone else. Believe me, if I had my way, I’d be out there finding some girl to distract me from all my problems right now. Or, I would be able to accept myself, and find a decent boy to help me cope with being gay. My religious views, my belief that God is going to be the being of ultimate judgement in my life, and my fear to lose everyone I know are what keep me hidden in myself; are what cause my heart to panic.

I understand being gay doesn’t define you, but I’m afraid it might. I know that I can live like everyone else, and that I don’t have to make a big deal out of this, but what if I do. I mean this is my life. I can continue living for only myself, but where’s the fun in that? Why not live for someone else, be their ease of burden, help them when they are down? I’m tired of having this lump in my chest that hurts when I think about my future. I want my future to be less hazy. I want to find that person who will help me carry my troubles, rather than wearing them on my shoulders. I want to find that boy, who can make me feel comfortable with myself, and my decisions.

I want to be gay and proud… i think.

I’m the middle child of a hispanic family. My mother is white and overweight, and my father is mexican and an alcoholic. I have an older half-brother, who is as much a full brother to me as the rest of my siblings. My older sister is in the army, and my two younger sisters are living at home. Well, the  sister I’m closest with, the one who’s 16, is trying to move out. She’s my bestfriend, and her moving out is making me realize how alone and scared I am of the real world.